a little lady update

here we are at 29 weeks. time has flown! but it also feels like i've been pregnant forever!

last sunday was the official first day of my third trimester, and ho! they warned me that's when the hormones would just overtake me... i didn't realize that meant day one. for a couple days, i thought i might die from heat stroke. that coming from the girl who wears socks to bed or sticks her toes on her hubby's legs for warmth. i was also very angry at the stupid target app. i don't want to talk about it....

note to friends and family: i am excruciatingly testy. highly likely to become irritated with minor things. like your voice. or air. you have been warned. 

also, i think these hormones have actually dried out my tear ducts. no crying or emotional relapses of sorrow. i can't even remember the last time i cried... and that's weird. [actually, that's a lie... it was probably the first time i saw frozen.]

in other news, the little lady is as wiggly as they come. and always at 10pm. every night. I guess that's just prepping me for her debut. she doesn't kick intensely, she just rolls and squirms around all the time. either that, or she has taken up dancing because it is literally an all-belly show all day. she's probably gonna be just like mama. can't sit still for longer than 2 whole minutes. hopefully she doesn't inherit my childhood boney butt, too. everyone hated my boney, wiggly butt on their lap. 

brock already loves playing with her. his favorite activity is to poke and prod her and wait for her to punch back. he's usually successful. thanksbabeloveyoutoo.

we've probably been through a million names. shelby. charly. abigail. sadie. mckinna. ebony. emma. i think we have it now! but i'm not going to tell you... yet. i don't wanna jinx it.  

the nursery is still trying to make it's way from my brain to real life, but we have a crib! and i will be painting her dresser in the next week or so. oh, it is going to be lovely! just wait. 

it will only be so long until she is here, then you can all fall in love with her as much i have. 

why you should never ever ever ask a women if she's pregnant

its pretty clear that i am officially preggers. at least, i hope. i mean, people, i'm 22 weeks. if you don't know by now, you  need to do some serious interweb stalking. but back to me being pregnant. now that you all are officially aware that i am, i feel like it's time for this post.

i would think that all of this would be common sense. especially to women who have been there, but it's not because a lot [not all] of these stories relate to myself. ladies, are you not frustrated? i was so frustrated. i'm over it now [mostly], so it's time to talk about it. and help save the other poor girls who may fall under this miserable fate.

maybe she's gaining weight. yeah i put that one first. why? oh, because it is the most common and happens on regular basis, and hello?! how rude. we all carry our weight differently, some women just happen to pack it on right in the baby-machine. and sometimes, when you just had a splurge of a food eating day, you get a serious food-baby [called that for a reason!]. so asking if she is pregnant is basically dooming her to eat lots and lots of chocolate. and thus add to the situation. no bueno.

maybe the poor girl is trying to get pregnant. asking if she is, or when she will be is not helpful. at all. it's kind of painful. maybe her and hubby have been trying for months with no success and you just had to open the flood gates of emotion that come from seeing the negative sign on a test. it's not pretty. thank you for asking. not.

maybe she actually was pregnant and miscarried. congratulations, you're about to feel super guilty for asking because she is about to tell you the horrible news. thank you again for asking. you just poured an entire bottle of lemon juice on an incredibly sensitive wound. miscarriages are extremely difficult and emotionally draining. don't mind me if i go cry now.

maybe she isn't ready for babies at all! perhaps babies aren't in the plans for the next two or three years and question after question after question of pregnancy plans is about to drive her crazy. not to mention the looks of horror and disdain when she gives the honest answer. this reason doesn't exactly cause pain, but really? it's annoying.

maybe mama bear is ready and hubby isn't. frustration. or maybe hubby is ready and mama bear isn't and you  just pushed a very sensitive button. uber frustration. thanks for joining the married game even though the three of you aren't married.

maybe she actually is pregnant, and guess what? she's not ready to tell anyone. way to ruin everything. and i mean everything, because it's impossible to hide the excitement, but wait, i just took the test yesterday. and i haven't even told my mother, and the list goes on.

maybe it's just really not your business. i hope you got that from all of the above reasons. that's basically the bottom line.

i'm pretty sure baby-making is kind of a private matter. and deciding when, isn't everyone else's job. whoever the lovely little mama is will tell you when she is ready! let her tell you, let her share her exciting news when the time is right. and if she is the one who brings up any other conversation mentioned above, you are automatically invited to talk about it. but let her bring it up. here's the #1 rule:

if you have to ask, don't. 

eventually her belly will stick out, word will get around, or she will post it on facebook [or her blog], but for the sake of women everywhere, our extremely sensitive emotions, and the sanity of humankind, don't put your nose in the business of babies.

unless you're like bestest friends/bestest family and it's already a topic of regular conversation. thankyouandgoodnight.

it's a ... {little holland gender reveal!}

you have a 50% chance of guessing it right. if you want to guess, but i'm about to tell you anyway, so you can't guess anymore. sorry!

little holland is a little lady! and we are stoked! i mean, we would have been stoked with a boy, too. but we are just so excited for this lovely little bundle of pink and lace to come to our family!

to be honest, brock and i already knew. we both have just had a feeling since the beginning. for the past couple of weeks we have even been calling her a her. [and then of course anyone around would go her?! like... you know?? and we would have to say, just a hunch, don't know yet] 

the ultrasound was probably the coolest thing of the week. i have seen [or at least remember] three other little ones that way, my little brothers and sister. but brock has never seen one and he was totally amazed. and of course, it was different for me seeing that little one inside of me, and not my soon to be sibling. needless to say, we are totally and completely in love with the little lady.

now if you had asked me a year ago which i would have preferred, i would have answered before you finished your question with a resounding, boy. period. i would take 5 little boys and be happily in a drama-free heaven. i can't say what changed my mind. but for the last little while, i have slowly been starting to want little girls. maybe the lord knew what was coming and he started reminding me of little things that I would love about having a daughter.

like that we could be super duper compadres like me and my mama. 

like all the frills and fuss and cute and junk that i am literally about to go haywire over.

like brock is gonna be freakin adorable with a little girl in his arms and she will have him wrapped ridiculously tight around her teeny little finger. 

like pink.

like emotions are just life, and it would be ok to have someone with as much ridiculous emotion as me in the house.

like, what? first time since i was 2 that girls would outnumber boys in my house. 

like girl's night.

like my mama and brock's mama are going crazy right now.

and like all my girls that i love at church that could totally be my daughters if we weren't close enough age to be sisters.

or like my little sister, who i dearly miss and adore.

i guess it really doesn't matter what changed my mind. little miss sassy panties is already coming [i already know that's what she is, she has me for a mama]. and i couldn't be happier! 

so. now you know and we know. fill me up with tips about raising girls! ready. set. go.

why we chose a midwife

i always thought i would want the drugs when it came to labor. i was always extremely intimidated by the pain, horror stories, and scenes in movies of screaming, sweaty women. don't ask me what changed my mind, i'm really not sure. i think part of it has to do with all i have learned about health since getting married to a very health-conscious brock. i think another part could be contributed to my continuous learning of what this life is really about, what's important and who i am. i still can't say for sure how, but somehow the entire idea of birth and labor and pregnancy have settled a little differently in my mind.

and because of that, we decided to choose a midwife and at-home birth instead of doctors and hospitals. there are several reasons behind it, which i am happy to share with all of you honestly, bluntly, and basically straight forward. 

warning: this is a tad long. sorry, read it, thank me later.

god made my body for this: i think this is the biggest reason and so it gets to be first. fact: i am a women. shocker, right? god made my body in a way that is specifically equipped for baring children. since the creation of the world, with the exception of the last several decades, women have been delivering their babies naturally. and guess what? they survived. and they did it again. and in a lot of cases, again and again and again. it's pretty possible to experience the pain and the joy of birth. and i want that. it's a part of my role as a women and a daughter of a supreme being. 

i really hate doctors/hospital: here's the sad part: i never really knew how much i hated them. a lot of brock's family that lives here and that we see frequently are older and i feel like we talk about doctors and hospitals and appointments and meds a lot. and usually i sit there and squirm and don't add to the conversation because i have nothing to say. i guess i don't like them more than normal people... i don't like cold, clammy handshakes, not to mention wondering around other parts. i don't really like (and i know this is stereotyping and not all doctors are this way) the demeaning, the know-it-all, the i'm so much better because i'm a doctor doctors. i don't like generalizations because every body, every pregnancy, every birth, every disease, etc., is different. i don't know why doctors can't figure that out after all their experience and studies. and hospitals? ew. i don't like the iv's and tubes that bind me down. i don't like the smell of hospitals. i don't like the coldness temperature and atmosphere wise. i don't even like visiting people in hospitals, i usually sit there not saying anything and letting whoever else is with me do the talking because there just isn't anything happy i can think of while sitting in that room. i could go on, but i think this will suffice.

obamacare: i could go on a whole lot of tangents about this, but i will keep it simple. i'm fairly certain obamacare is going to completely dismantle the healthcare system. it probably won't be by the time little holland gets here, but hopefully i will be having babies much longer than that, so i might as well learn to do it without the medical system so when it's not available except the the ridiculously rich folks, i can still have babies and everything will go just fine. judge me. it's ok. 

it's just better this way: having a baby naturally is so much better for baby and mama. like i said, our womanly bodies are made for this. when we mess with the process, sometimes it's harmful. like cracking open an egg while its hatching instead of letting the little guy come out on his own. it doesn't mean that there won't be complications doing it naturally, but mama and baby bodies are better off in the long run. 

i get to decide: what i love about my midwife is that she is super hands-off, not on. she is full of knowledge and explains things really thoroughly and well. but when it comes to decisions, brock and i make the choices. i know my body better than anyone and i'm trusting that maternal instinct to know what's best for the little one inside of me, too. it's my body and my baby and i shouldn't have to be told how to take care of them or what they need. the other thing i love about my midwife is that, when i do need her, or i don't feel like i have enough information to make a good,sound choice, she is hands-on, she is at my beckon-call and she will put me and little holland even before her sleep. bottom-line, it's all about he two of us and not the paycheck.

the comfort of home: at first i was totally turned off about the idea of an at-home birth. the mess, not being able to walk away from it, not be doted on by nurses. it just didn't sound as relaxing. but Brock was actually all for it and so i did my research and decided i was crazy for thinking it wouldn't be as relaxing. look at all this: 

• i can sit/stand/lay in whatever position feel comfortable for me and little holland at any time.
• i can eat, i can drink, i can basically do anything i feel like i need to.
• i can hop [gently] in the bathtub or shower for a little while at any time to loosen up those muscles or just relax a bit. 
• i can walk around if it feels right. 
• if i want a back rub or foot rub, or anything of the sort, possible on the spot service with awesome labor-pain relieving technique.
• i have my own couch, bed or floor for my own comfort, not uncomfortable hospital furniture.
• my hubby and family has the comfortable furniture, too! and brock gets a bed.
• brock will play a huge part in the whole labor process which is pretty important to me since this is our baby.
• my family can be there at any or all of the time. 
• little holland won't have to be whisked away except for some quick cleaning and check-up, then straight back to my arms until i hand baby to my mama or someone so i can sleep.
• with my family there, and my awesome midwife, everything will taken care of from clean up to my laundry and making food, to holding little holland when i need sleep. and they will all enjoy that. 
• it's so much more intimate and personal. and it is ever so important that my family has part in the personal, intimate part of meeting my baby since they live so far away. 

now tell me if that sounds more relaxing and/or better.

all that being said, i don't blame any women who wants the luxury of drugs, hospital attendance, and everything else that comes with the doctors and hospitals. every women should be able to decide how they want to do things, right? right. 

did you see how i told the hubs about the baby?

how i told my husband i was pregnant

i've been wanting to post this for some time, but it's been a rough several days consisting of some debbie-downness, UTI's, and exhaustion. so it's finally here. and it's finally the way i want it. i'm doing much better!

the night of october 15th was pretty restless. i knew in the morning i would be taking the test. i snuck into my craft room and boxed up a tiny white pair of socks, just in case.

it was pretty hard to sleep. i was really reluctant to even take the test because the month before was really difficult for me. but on the other had i was really hopeful. i was already 3 days late. i just didn't want to get my hopes up again. a lot of mixed emotions means no sleep. 

when the alarm went off in the morning the butterflies set in. i groggily wished brock a happy birthday and went straight into the bathroom. i took the test right away and hid it in the cupboard without even looking. i couldn't make myself do it. brock got ready for work then went to the kitchen to study while I made him breakfast. once i had everything cooking, i faced my fears and went back to the bathroom.

two lines. clear as day! i grabbed the tiny box of socks and went back to the kitchen, hiding the box and test just around the corner. i finished up breakfast and we ate. i always finish before him. i'm a fast eater and I eat less than he does anyway. so i started cleaning up and then when there was nothing left for my hands to do, i went and got my secret stash. 

with the test behind my back, i pushed the box in front of brock and said happy birthday. he looked at me like you shouldn't have. he does that. then he opened the box. with his attention on the socks, i pulled the test out from behind my back. when realization hit him, he looked up at me and the test in a whole lot of shock! so i said the obvious,

we're gonna have a baby! 

still stunned for a moment, but stunned and smiling. then he hopped out of his chair and ran around in a circle in the middle of the kitchen. like a little boy. it was adorable. 

then the hugging and kissing and the silly grins you can't wipe off your face. i was finally allowing myself to be excited and i think i overdid it. i had known for at least 20 minutes, but it hadn't really hit me until that moment in the kitchen. in his arms. we were going to have a baby! and yes, i teared up. and shocker, i think brock did, too. i can't be sure because I have never actually seen him cry. but i'm pretty sure he did. we're just going to pretend that even if it was morning eye grogginess or allergies, for my own peace, he teared up. 

it all made the wait so worth it. all the stress i put myself through. hello, little holland. welcome to the family. 

introducing... baby holland!

oh my, oh my. let me just start by saying that it is very hard to have a blog and keep secrets. i didn't put up a blog post so many times because part of it was going to spoil the news. ah!

i'm going to have a baby! there. i said it! it's out. whew!

some of you may already know from facebook or just from me, but i felt that it was time to tell the rest of you. brock and i honestly couldn't be more happy! 

special thanks to my lovely cousin, emily for taking these photos!

i know you all want to know the deats, so let me get out the basics and you will have to wait for the stories in future posts.

baby is due june 22.

i won't make you do the math, i'm 16 weeks along.

yes, we will find out if it's a boy or girl. brock and i plan too much not to (and i have to know what to buy!).

we can find out in three weeks! eek! i might make you wait a few days, though...wink...

we have decided to go the midwife route and i promise an excellent post about this later.  

don't be a hater, i had morning sickness for about a week with no puking and have been feeling good about 92% of the time since then. 

brock has already been amazing. i am truly blessed to have such a wonderful husband and i can't wait to watch him become a father. 

so there you have it friends. get ready for lots of baby and pregnancy posts in the future because that's what you are going to get! with other stuff, of course. more on that thursday. xo

special thanks to my lovely cousin, emily for taking these photos!