a little lady update

here we are at 29 weeks. time has flown! but it also feels like i've been pregnant forever!

last sunday was the official first day of my third trimester, and ho! they warned me that's when the hormones would just overtake me... i didn't realize that meant day one. for a couple days, i thought i might die from heat stroke. that coming from the girl who wears socks to bed or sticks her toes on her hubby's legs for warmth. i was also very angry at the stupid target app. i don't want to talk about it....

note to friends and family: i am excruciatingly testy. highly likely to become irritated with minor things. like your voice. or air. you have been warned. 

also, i think these hormones have actually dried out my tear ducts. no crying or emotional relapses of sorrow. i can't even remember the last time i cried... and that's weird. [actually, that's a lie... it was probably the first time i saw frozen.]

in other news, the little lady is as wiggly as they come. and always at 10pm. every night. I guess that's just prepping me for her debut. she doesn't kick intensely, she just rolls and squirms around all the time. either that, or she has taken up dancing because it is literally an all-belly show all day. she's probably gonna be just like mama. can't sit still for longer than 2 whole minutes. hopefully she doesn't inherit my childhood boney butt, too. everyone hated my boney, wiggly butt on their lap. 

brock already loves playing with her. his favorite activity is to poke and prod her and wait for her to punch back. he's usually successful. thanksbabeloveyoutoo.

we've probably been through a million names. shelby. charly. abigail. sadie. mckinna. ebony. emma. i think we have it now! but i'm not going to tell you... yet. i don't wanna jinx it.  

the nursery is still trying to make it's way from my brain to real life, but we have a crib! and i will be painting her dresser in the next week or so. oh, it is going to be lovely! just wait. 

it will only be so long until she is here, then you can all fall in love with her as much i have. 

april goals and living in the present

one quarter of the year is officially over. two trimesters of this pregnancy are in the bag. it has been one year since i have seen my family.

there are only eight and half weeks left of my job. eleven and a half approximately until this little lady arrives, along with my family. my brother will be home from his mission in six months.

is anyone else stressed or depressed now? oh, brock would be so disappointed right now if he were reading this [wait up, babe]. just last night he said we live too much in the past and in the future. we need to live more in the present. and you know what, he is totally right [there you go]. that way up there ^^^ that's how my brain functions. especially in the future with little lady on the way. i stress and plan [usually over plan] too much to enjoy what's happening right now. 

last week, brock and i took a little babymoon of a vacation and let me tell you, it was just what we needed. we had a list of things we wanted to do, but the planning consisted of "what should we do tomorrow?" and then we did it. it was lovely.

that being said, i can, in no way, live my life like that. but i can simplify. one of my favorite bloggers, kory, shares her goals for each month and recaps on how she did the previous month. i love reading those posts. it's great to hear other humans succeeding, not quite succeeding, growing, adapting, and moving forward. 

and now it's my turn. i have some goals that are simple that i have set for april. i'm not going to promise that i will do this each month, because my present right now is the next four weeks. i'm going to enjoy being pregnant and not wish it away faster. i'm going to enjoy my time with my hubby and soak it up while i can. i'm going to pay attention to what is happening around me and not just put my brain in future mode making lists and lists of unaccomplishable tasks. i'm going to keep them basic, because presently, that's what i need. come the end of the month, i'll see where i'm at.

always hang up clothes. i have this terrible habit of throwing my clothes on my dresser. i change my clothes 2-3 times a day between work, exercise, lounging, and outings, so yes, i wear things more than once. when i shared a room with my sister, my clothes were usually on the end of my bed frame. no more i say! i'm changing that. i'm going to start a new habit. a habit of hanging up my clothes and keeping all flat surfaces in the bedroom clothing-free.

keep up the budget. at all costs. ha. see what i did there? since the beginning of the year, i have been trying to be more conscious of our money flow. we've used things like mint and excel spreadsheets, but i just prefer writing things like that. it's weird. i don't even use my phone or ipad for my calendar because i'd rather doodle it. it's time consuming. but whatevs. i can't use technology for budgets and calendars. sue me. the last three months have been not so good with my record keeping. this month, i will change that!

take time for baby. i feel like i haven't been prepping myself enough lately, and i need to do better. i have started reading two excellent books [the thinking woman's guide to a better birth and the womanly art of breastfeeding] and i want to finish them before little lady comes along. i also need to practice my relaxation exercises! muy importante. side note: brock and i are taking a natural birth class... so fab! but really, relaxation is going to be a big help when the time comes, i just need to practice some of the techniques.

start my spring cleaning list. aka nesting. it's not an extensive list. but things need to be done for my sanity and so i don't have to hate them when little lady is here and i can't do them... like reorganize my kitchen cupboards, dust the blinds, etc. [already washed out the fridge when i thought we had spilled rotten meat and turned out to be a dead possum in the insulation under the fridge area of the house].

they're not lofty, but they are a start and i need them. do you have monthly goals? i'd love to hear them! 

mama advice i will take to heart

when people know you are pregnant, everyone is suddenly entitled to give you all the advice they have. some is more useful than others. hehe. not complaining, just stating a fact here. amidst all the advice i have received from amazing mamas, there is some i will probably ignore, some that doesn't quite fit us, some that's fairly good but generally common sense to me, and some that i just want to remember, take to heart, and actually apply. oh, and share with you, too. i can't remember what came from whom, so if your advice ends up on here... just say thanks... or your welcome. it's a lot to sort through, you realize!

sleep when baby sleeps // yeah, i've heard that a million times, but for real, i will be doing this, so don't call or text unless i contact your first.

your labor is all up to you and baby, don't let anyone tell you what to do // that's all i need to say.

don't be afraid to say no to visitors // sorry friends, but i think i have decided the first two days are family only days. at least that's where i stand now. ask me again later. it may be 4 or 5 then... wink... don't be sad if i am just too tired for people. you will have plenty of chances to see the little lady. promise. shewillbeallovermyinstagram.

don't tiptoe around her when she is sleeping. make noise or she will never know how to sleep without the silence // nuff said.

when she wakes up, feed her. then burp her. then play with her. when she gets fussy, lay her down and let her put herself to sleep. don't wake her. when she is hungry, she'll wake up. repeat. // obviously this was a much more in depth conversation based on a book and 2 tested children of said parent, but that's the long and short of it, and we're doing it.

enjoy her while she's a baby. she won't be a baby long // said the gramma with sassy grandbabies that she adores.

if you don't show up to church for a month, no one will judge you. // i actually really appreciate that one. not that i don't want to be there. i just have nightmares of being bombarded. or sick little hands all over my baby.  or just trying to figure out how to juggle her while at church. oh and young men chilling in the mother's room... meh. we will see how long i decide to wait. just no judging.

thank you mama's for helping a new mama out. and if you have anymore, i'm not turning down helpful advice. this little lady is coming sooner than i think and i'm soaking up as much as i can get! 15.5 weeks left, folks. and that's if she isn't early.

it's a ... {little holland gender reveal!}

you have a 50% chance of guessing it right. if you want to guess, but i'm about to tell you anyway, so you can't guess anymore. sorry!

little holland is a little lady! and we are stoked! i mean, we would have been stoked with a boy, too. but we are just so excited for this lovely little bundle of pink and lace to come to our family!

to be honest, brock and i already knew. we both have just had a feeling since the beginning. for the past couple of weeks we have even been calling her a her. [and then of course anyone around would go her?! like... you know?? and we would have to say, just a hunch, don't know yet] 

the ultrasound was probably the coolest thing of the week. i have seen [or at least remember] three other little ones that way, my little brothers and sister. but brock has never seen one and he was totally amazed. and of course, it was different for me seeing that little one inside of me, and not my soon to be sibling. needless to say, we are totally and completely in love with the little lady.

now if you had asked me a year ago which i would have preferred, i would have answered before you finished your question with a resounding, boy. period. i would take 5 little boys and be happily in a drama-free heaven. i can't say what changed my mind. but for the last little while, i have slowly been starting to want little girls. maybe the lord knew what was coming and he started reminding me of little things that I would love about having a daughter.

like that we could be super duper compadres like me and my mama. 

like all the frills and fuss and cute and junk that i am literally about to go haywire over.

like brock is gonna be freakin adorable with a little girl in his arms and she will have him wrapped ridiculously tight around her teeny little finger. 

like pink.

like emotions are just life, and it would be ok to have someone with as much ridiculous emotion as me in the house.

like, what? first time since i was 2 that girls would outnumber boys in my house. 

like girl's night.

like my mama and brock's mama are going crazy right now.

and like all my girls that i love at church that could totally be my daughters if we weren't close enough age to be sisters.

or like my little sister, who i dearly miss and adore.

i guess it really doesn't matter what changed my mind. little miss sassy panties is already coming [i already know that's what she is, she has me for a mama]. and i couldn't be happier! 

so. now you know and we know. fill me up with tips about raising girls! ready. set. go.

why we chose a midwife

i always thought i would want the drugs when it came to labor. i was always extremely intimidated by the pain, horror stories, and scenes in movies of screaming, sweaty women. don't ask me what changed my mind, i'm really not sure. i think part of it has to do with all i have learned about health since getting married to a very health-conscious brock. i think another part could be contributed to my continuous learning of what this life is really about, what's important and who i am. i still can't say for sure how, but somehow the entire idea of birth and labor and pregnancy have settled a little differently in my mind.

and because of that, we decided to choose a midwife and at-home birth instead of doctors and hospitals. there are several reasons behind it, which i am happy to share with all of you honestly, bluntly, and basically straight forward. 

warning: this is a tad long. sorry, read it, thank me later.

god made my body for this: i think this is the biggest reason and so it gets to be first. fact: i am a women. shocker, right? god made my body in a way that is specifically equipped for baring children. since the creation of the world, with the exception of the last several decades, women have been delivering their babies naturally. and guess what? they survived. and they did it again. and in a lot of cases, again and again and again. it's pretty possible to experience the pain and the joy of birth. and i want that. it's a part of my role as a women and a daughter of a supreme being. 

i really hate doctors/hospital: here's the sad part: i never really knew how much i hated them. a lot of brock's family that lives here and that we see frequently are older and i feel like we talk about doctors and hospitals and appointments and meds a lot. and usually i sit there and squirm and don't add to the conversation because i have nothing to say. i guess i don't like them more than normal people... i don't like cold, clammy handshakes, not to mention wondering around other parts. i don't really like (and i know this is stereotyping and not all doctors are this way) the demeaning, the know-it-all, the i'm so much better because i'm a doctor doctors. i don't like generalizations because every body, every pregnancy, every birth, every disease, etc., is different. i don't know why doctors can't figure that out after all their experience and studies. and hospitals? ew. i don't like the iv's and tubes that bind me down. i don't like the smell of hospitals. i don't like the coldness temperature and atmosphere wise. i don't even like visiting people in hospitals, i usually sit there not saying anything and letting whoever else is with me do the talking because there just isn't anything happy i can think of while sitting in that room. i could go on, but i think this will suffice.

obamacare: i could go on a whole lot of tangents about this, but i will keep it simple. i'm fairly certain obamacare is going to completely dismantle the healthcare system. it probably won't be by the time little holland gets here, but hopefully i will be having babies much longer than that, so i might as well learn to do it without the medical system so when it's not available except the the ridiculously rich folks, i can still have babies and everything will go just fine. judge me. it's ok. 

it's just better this way: having a baby naturally is so much better for baby and mama. like i said, our womanly bodies are made for this. when we mess with the process, sometimes it's harmful. like cracking open an egg while its hatching instead of letting the little guy come out on his own. it doesn't mean that there won't be complications doing it naturally, but mama and baby bodies are better off in the long run. 

i get to decide: what i love about my midwife is that she is super hands-off, not on. she is full of knowledge and explains things really thoroughly and well. but when it comes to decisions, brock and i make the choices. i know my body better than anyone and i'm trusting that maternal instinct to know what's best for the little one inside of me, too. it's my body and my baby and i shouldn't have to be told how to take care of them or what they need. the other thing i love about my midwife is that, when i do need her, or i don't feel like i have enough information to make a good,sound choice, she is hands-on, she is at my beckon-call and she will put me and little holland even before her sleep. bottom-line, it's all about he two of us and not the paycheck.

the comfort of home: at first i was totally turned off about the idea of an at-home birth. the mess, not being able to walk away from it, not be doted on by nurses. it just didn't sound as relaxing. but Brock was actually all for it and so i did my research and decided i was crazy for thinking it wouldn't be as relaxing. look at all this: 

• i can sit/stand/lay in whatever position feel comfortable for me and little holland at any time.
• i can eat, i can drink, i can basically do anything i feel like i need to.
• i can hop [gently] in the bathtub or shower for a little while at any time to loosen up those muscles or just relax a bit. 
• i can walk around if it feels right. 
• if i want a back rub or foot rub, or anything of the sort, possible on the spot service with awesome labor-pain relieving technique.
• i have my own couch, bed or floor for my own comfort, not uncomfortable hospital furniture.
• my hubby and family has the comfortable furniture, too! and brock gets a bed.
• brock will play a huge part in the whole labor process which is pretty important to me since this is our baby.
• my family can be there at any or all of the time. 
• little holland won't have to be whisked away except for some quick cleaning and check-up, then straight back to my arms until i hand baby to my mama or someone so i can sleep.
• with my family there, and my awesome midwife, everything will taken care of from clean up to my laundry and making food, to holding little holland when i need sleep. and they will all enjoy that. 
• it's so much more intimate and personal. and it is ever so important that my family has part in the personal, intimate part of meeting my baby since they live so far away. 

now tell me if that sounds more relaxing and/or better.

all that being said, i don't blame any women who wants the luxury of drugs, hospital attendance, and everything else that comes with the doctors and hospitals. every women should be able to decide how they want to do things, right? right. 

did you see how i told the hubs about the baby?

how i told my husband i was pregnant

i've been wanting to post this for some time, but it's been a rough several days consisting of some debbie-downness, UTI's, and exhaustion. so it's finally here. and it's finally the way i want it. i'm doing much better!

the night of october 15th was pretty restless. i knew in the morning i would be taking the test. i snuck into my craft room and boxed up a tiny white pair of socks, just in case.

it was pretty hard to sleep. i was really reluctant to even take the test because the month before was really difficult for me. but on the other had i was really hopeful. i was already 3 days late. i just didn't want to get my hopes up again. a lot of mixed emotions means no sleep. 

when the alarm went off in the morning the butterflies set in. i groggily wished brock a happy birthday and went straight into the bathroom. i took the test right away and hid it in the cupboard without even looking. i couldn't make myself do it. brock got ready for work then went to the kitchen to study while I made him breakfast. once i had everything cooking, i faced my fears and went back to the bathroom.

two lines. clear as day! i grabbed the tiny box of socks and went back to the kitchen, hiding the box and test just around the corner. i finished up breakfast and we ate. i always finish before him. i'm a fast eater and I eat less than he does anyway. so i started cleaning up and then when there was nothing left for my hands to do, i went and got my secret stash. 

with the test behind my back, i pushed the box in front of brock and said happy birthday. he looked at me like you shouldn't have. he does that. then he opened the box. with his attention on the socks, i pulled the test out from behind my back. when realization hit him, he looked up at me and the test in a whole lot of shock! so i said the obvious,

we're gonna have a baby! 

still stunned for a moment, but stunned and smiling. then he hopped out of his chair and ran around in a circle in the middle of the kitchen. like a little boy. it was adorable. 

then the hugging and kissing and the silly grins you can't wipe off your face. i was finally allowing myself to be excited and i think i overdid it. i had known for at least 20 minutes, but it hadn't really hit me until that moment in the kitchen. in his arms. we were going to have a baby! and yes, i teared up. and shocker, i think brock did, too. i can't be sure because I have never actually seen him cry. but i'm pretty sure he did. we're just going to pretend that even if it was morning eye grogginess or allergies, for my own peace, he teared up. 

it all made the wait so worth it. all the stress i put myself through. hello, little holland. welcome to the family. 

not your average fresh start

i'm sure by now, you have all read about a dozen resolution, welcome 2014 blog posts, but i find it necessary to add mine because it's a huge huge part of my life like no year ever has been before.

last month, brock and i both graduated. yes. brock now has his master's in operations management and i have a bachelor's in organizational leadership. we have both sworn [and sealed it with our blood] that we are never going back. ...smile...

the day after graduation, we took off to georgia to visit my grandparents who hadn't met brock yet. after we got back, we had three full days of work and then his brother and our new sister-in-law flew in for the holidays. small blessings of brock working for the education system and my sweet boss, we had two weeks off to spend with the fam.

that being said, the full magnitude of the freedom didn't hit me until saturday.  

holy mother of pearl, freedom is sweet. 

no longer am I rushing from work to class to church, and squeezing study time in where ever there is room. my nights aren't filled with assignments and that paper isn't looming in the back of my mind every second of the day. it's amazing how much time school actually sucked out of our lives. 

when it finally hit us saturday, we decided it was time to evaluate our lives and decide how we want to use all that precious time. our biggest priorities are of course, little holland and figuring out the next phase of life. so i'll share with you the biggest part of our goals and plans. 

make room for little holland// because we are more project oriented than anything else, we've decided we're moving the study to the living room. we never go in the living room because there's not a table or desk to work at. the study only has one desk and so it separates us. and that makes my kitchen table always full of our projects and no room to eat. so the big plan, that is still in brainstorm mode, is to make some wall desks in the living room and bring our projects to the living space. the study is going to become the nursery, which solves another problem... I can keep my craft/storage room that i was going to have to clean out. win/win/win. 

improve ourselves// brock is working really hard at redeveloping those skills he neglected during school, like working on his chinese, honing his creativity, and just getting himself out there. i'm honestly really impressed with all he is doing to just be the best person he can!

i, on the other hand, am getting ready to leave my job. at least, i will when it gets closer to baby time, so my focus is on other things. like this blog. and my other blog project, mail it forward. i'm also working on some skills of my own, like learning html coding, and actually studying the scriptures daily (i gave that up last semester...what a fool). i'm also pulling out my mom hat and getting crafty, decorating the house, and cleaning up all the messes we ignored for a whole semester. over all, we are filling our time with productive things and sticking to my mantra ^^^

get healthy// yeah. yeah. every new year starts this way and everyone does it, but i have a good reason. i'm growing a little person! as of monday, we are back to working out [tough! i'm so stiff!] and we have sworn off of eating out except maaaaaybe twice a month. and being good when we do... that doesn't mean we won't enjoy some good unhealthy food! but we are going to be better because i'm tired of feeling like poop.  

give more to the lord// if you don't know already, we're pretty religious. we have been pretty dedicated all our lives, but it still doesn't feel like we're giving all we can. like me skipping out on reading my scripture. oh, I am so ashamed. we have put that at the top of our daily schedule! we have also decided we are going to have family home evening. i always wanted to, but what can you do with two people who are always together anyway? brock had the great idea of doing family history. so that is our monday nights. and along with that, we have a goal to make it to the temple three times before little holland comes. whoooo! it makes me happy. [if you are slightly, or even completely, lost on this one, click here to get a glimpse at our beliefs]

as you can see, we have a lot to do, but the good news is, we want to do it! it makes such a difference when desire and drive are pushing your forward.

i wish you all the best with your own new year's plans and endeavors. my other mantra is keep on keepin on. ...wink...

introducing... baby holland!

oh my, oh my. let me just start by saying that it is very hard to have a blog and keep secrets. i didn't put up a blog post so many times because part of it was going to spoil the news. ah!

i'm going to have a baby! there. i said it! it's out. whew!

some of you may already know from facebook or just from me, but i felt that it was time to tell the rest of you. brock and i honestly couldn't be more happy! 

special thanks to my lovely cousin, emily for taking these photos!

i know you all want to know the deats, so let me get out the basics and you will have to wait for the stories in future posts.

baby is due june 22.

i won't make you do the math, i'm 16 weeks along.

yes, we will find out if it's a boy or girl. brock and i plan too much not to (and i have to know what to buy!).

we can find out in three weeks! eek! i might make you wait a few days, though...wink...

we have decided to go the midwife route and i promise an excellent post about this later.  

don't be a hater, i had morning sickness for about a week with no puking and have been feeling good about 92% of the time since then. 

brock has already been amazing. i am truly blessed to have such a wonderful husband and i can't wait to watch him become a father. 

so there you have it friends. get ready for lots of baby and pregnancy posts in the future because that's what you are going to get! with other stuff, of course. more on that thursday. xo

special thanks to my lovely cousin, emily for taking these photos!